The Anxiety of Anxiety – and moving forward

I never knew what to call it, I just knew something inside me was not right.

My whole life it was just something I dealt with quietly, internal and even sometimes very loudly. Never spoken of, not talked about, until I happened upon my now doctor, at the age of sixty. I knew moments into talking with her, she was listening, she understood, with a bit of time, I/we have gotten me to a place I feel so much better.

The being everything to everyone is what I call, “Tap dancing to please others.” I have stopped dancing, stopped making others happy and under taken the project of me. I stopped OVER THINKING anything… which has turned into a VERY pleasing way to be…go with the punches and stop fighting my own thoughts. 

Having to be a caregiver to my aging Mom has added more than I can handle at times. Learning to ask for help is not giving up, it’s survival to me. This past month Mom refused all testing and medications, Hospice was brought in. She’s in a wonderful place with wonderful people to help her and me. That being said, I have begun the letting go process, I have moved to a place of not fixing but excepting, which is huge for me…I try to fix everything. Can’t fix this. I have also faced the process of letting others in my life go, I will not and cannot justify my non-ability to care for Mom in this stage of her life, and that’s OK, but it seems everyone has a story of how they did it. Walking away, not communicating is my form of “No, thank you.” (I have not even let myself go into the discussion of all of this… YET!) 

My little studio has become a haven of my art/photo’s/quilts, and fabric. I have taken to being me…sharing what is not perfect and will NEVER be. My list making skill is perfect for not overthinking, write it down, sketch is out, ready for later or NEVER?? My quilts have given me the understanding of color, light and texture as I’ve been working on lots of new. I know lose myself in joy, time, color, laughter, a great book, a cuddle with a cup of coffee. Simple easy and ONLY with joy. This is an ongoing project, I am still trying to dance to MY music, to not please or try too hard for others, just for me.

I can only say, I’m back, I’m ready, and thank you for sticking around. 

Stop  over to My site: The Quilt Ladies it has a new pattern series going now !

And here on Beth Ann Doing, MY State Quilt Pattern Project